Recently, my Girlfriend and I Made the Decision to Work with a Relationship Coach.
After nearly two and a half years together, things between us weren’t bad… they just seemed “off.” Making it even more frustrating was the fact neither of us knew why.
We love each other deeply. We rarely fight and on the rare occasions when we do disagree, it never erupts into anything nuclear. We have lots in common, sharing a passion for animals, travel, and art.
Ironically, that was part of the problem.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve learned a valuable lesson. Having things in common is what makes a relationship work. However, it’s the energetic differences between partners that keep a relationship passionate and alive!
If your differences are in values, the relationship will eventually implode and you will end up hating each other.
However, opposite energy is the key to maintain a passionate, fully alive relationship. To achieve this, there must be a strong masculine and feminine energy partner.
Full disclosure. I know this conversation can be misinterpreted and create an angry response. However, it’s important to understand this conversation is about energy… not gender.
Each of us has both masculine and feminine energy inside of us (also known as the Yin-Yang), although we are dominant in one energy over the other. Thus, the coaching I am offering applies to any relationship, regardless whether it is a straight or gay couple. Genitalia is not important to this conversation… energy and polarity are.
If a relationship lacks polarity, it will lead to a loss of passion. Eventually, a couple will find themselves living like roommates instead of partners.
Think of a car battery, which needs both a positive and negative charge to keep a vehicle moving. For a relationship to keep moving, the polarity of a masculine and feminine energy is required.
What does this mean?
Masculine energy is about “getting s**t done.” It’s about turning off emotions and making decisions from a place of logic and analytical thinking. It’s an energy associated with competition, determination, action, and left-brain thinking. Masculine energy isn’t particularly exciting, but it provides form and structure which can be highly useful in the corporate world as well as relationships.
Feminine energy, on the other hand, is an intelligent and loving energy which provides compassion, empathy, intuition, creativity, and emotion. Feminine energy is free-flowing and can shift moment to moment. Think of it as a cloud, beautiful and fully formed as it floats through the sky in one moment, only to be break apart and scatter in ten directions two minutes later. That’s the beauty and essence of feminine energy in motion.
Yet, over the last several decades, there has been a shift in our society. As women entered the workforce and began to attain (well-deserved) positions of power, it happened under a few conditions…
“Leave your family problems at home”
“Leave your emotions at home.”
“Take emotion out of this. It’s about business.”
“Get it done and PRODUCE.”
This is all valuable advice in the office… and all masculine energy directives.
As we have become a connected culture that is glued to the iPhone and working 24/7, it has become increasingly difficult for feminine energy partners to take off the masculine mask of their career and live in their natural energy.
The result is the very force which leads to career success is often the same thing which destroys passion in an intimate relationship. Two partners living fully in their masculine energy will eventually end up in a struggle for dominance as both people want to be the planner, decision-maker, and initiator. Two masculine energy people can make for great buddies to push each other to succeed, but will lack the polarity to maintain a passionate, intimate relationship over time.
If the goal for the feminine energy partner is to bring emotional freedom and openness to a relationship, the masculine partner must bring presence and hold space for the feminine to feel completely seen and heard. As I coach more and more women, I have seen first-hand how badly men are missing the boat on this.
As fathers, many men unknowingly disempower the daughter’s natural feminine energy, scolding them for “whining”, “being a baby,” or being “dramatic” when their child is emotional. In many instances, women are conditioned from an early age that expressing their desires will result in love being withheld. Young girls begin to build up a masculine wall as a survival mechanism.
As a romantic partner, a weak man will tell a feminine partner her feelings are “wrong.” A well-meaning, but uninformed masculine partner will retreat to the other room if his feminine energy partner is (in his opinion) “overly emotional.” A decent man will jump in and try to help his feminine partner “solve” her problem, not giving her a chance to fully vent about her frustration in the moment.
However, no matter how well-meaning the intentions, all these behaviors will create a level of distrust where the feminine energy partner will shut down, not believing her feelings are cherished by the masculine partner... and feminine energy, above all else needs to feel cherished.
As I’ve learned through working with my own relationship coach, a superior man will stay fully present, allowing the feminine energy to express itself freely, regardless how "irrational" it may seem to him. Rather than trying to solve problems, he will encourage the feminine to go deeper, simply responding with “tell me more.”
As I recently explained this concept to a masculine-energy female client who has struggled in relationships, she began to weep. When I asked why, she explained that no man in her life had ever made her feel safe in that way.
Yet, this is formula to keep a relationship on fire. One partner needs to provide masculine presence and create safety, while the other needs to provide feminine vulnerability.
“Vulnerability” does not mean weak or submissive. It’s simply means living open heartedly.
Furthermore, It doesn’t matter whether the woman is the masculine energy and the male is feminine energy (a dynamic we see more in the age of the stay-at-home dad). It doesn’t matter if the relationship is straight or gay. All that matters is there is polarity.
When you have polarity, you will always have passion.
Now over to you!
Comment below and let me know if you see any of these patterns playing out in your relationship. Are you struggling to embrace your feminine energy? Are you a masculine partner who wants to step up in a bigger way to provide presence in your relationship?
Let me know your challenge and I will personally respond to send support.